Planet Bowie
Two miraculous events occurred recently, one earthbound and the other interstellar, and though no one has linked them directly, it is becoming more and more obvious that they are inevitably […]
Absurdities
Donald in Dismaland
It should be a relief to artists everywhere to see that international notoriety and its accompanying wealth hasn’t dulled the creative blade of Banksy. The bête noire of the gallery […]
April 15th and The Emotional Audit
I dreamed of a distant future last night. It wasn’t a post-apocalyptic wasteland with acidified oceans and vomit colored sunsets, and the surviving population wasn’t dodging a race of zombified […]
Waiter, There’s a Soup In My Fly
There’s an old adage that goes something like this: the only two creatures on the planet who will survive a nuclear holocaust are cockroaches… and Keith Richards. The good news […]
Jelly Roll Blues and Antigravity
So the facts are out, and the news is devastating. If you’ve been living in a cave and haven’t heard, brace yourself: Jellyfish born in space have “massive vertigo” when […]
The World Is My Recliner
We’ve all seen Wall-E, right? It’s starting to feel like if the film wasn’t animated it could be a documentary about the near future. The floating fatsos in their all encompassing […]
Olympics As They Oughta Be
The Olympics have commenced, and highlights abound, as do the smaller scandals of minor doping, misconstrued tweets, badminton game throwing and an oddly ominous opening ceremony. Hail to Danny Boyle’s […]
Oh Beautiful, For Perspicacious Skies
What shall we celebrate this 4th of July this year? For many in this great republic America, it’s the all too traditional answer: freedom from Canada, after a protracted and […]
In The Gutter, But Looking At The… Exoplanets
Like so many who find themselves sickened at the epic stupidity of American election politics, I often hear the reverberating echo of “If (dipshit candidate’s name here) gets elected, I’m […]
We’re The Libyan Hit Squad
It was back in the early 1980’s when Muammar Gaddafi was truly terrifying… His bravado commando persona stood in such stark contrast to our bumbling, smiling, airy voiced actor-in-cheif. Or […]
Please Give!
(A monologue heard recently on a New York City A train) Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to interrupt your evening. I don’t mean to be a burden, but I’m in the […]
One Trick Picasso
When exactly did Pablo Picasso paint so much? I saw an old documentary recently called “The Mystery of Picasso”, and there was a clip where he was strolling around his work […]
We’ll Just See About That Won’t We?
America’s taken the lion’s share of ass kicking from the world at large as of late, and like all things American, it was extremely well earned, and most likely paid […]
The Forgetful Doper
Every so often, Stetson Makakowitz would lose everything he owned and have to start his life over again from scratch. It was a terrible affliction that he could do nothing […]
My Friend Herb
The lemon basil sagged on the granite counter in his absence. It was proud strain of the herb. It had been acquired at the affordable price of nothing at the […]
Rahm Taps Brother Ari For Obama Audition
Beverly Hills, March 14th – White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel has called in a favor with little brother Ari Emmanuel, founder of the Endeavor talent agency, in hopes […]
Michelangelo Was A Hack
It is easy to forget when looking celestially at the dizzying brilliance of the Sistine Chapel’s intricate ceiling that Michelangelo was, at one time, a complete and total hack. At […]
Plenty More Fish In the Sea…
Of all the multitudinous living organisms in the phylum cordata, none are quite so fucked as fish. Scientifically, the entire species is toast for several reasons. The sad thing is, […]
Putting Things Into Perspectivism
We wander into town to buy a pair of cleats for the start of spring intramural soccer season. The year is 1990, and world cup fever is brewing for the […]
My Creative Genius
People often ask me, “How do you do it? How do you continually create such timelessly inspiring oeuvres of sesquapedalianism?” I laugh, sometimes to myself, because in truth, there’s really no […]
Stream of Consciousness
From Unequalibrium If you’re finding yourself depressed, but not clinically, locked in a myopic worldview, or simply unappreciative of the fact that you’re alive in one of the most […]
When I Was Your Age
Are you ready for bed yet, kitty cat? It’s getting late, so be a good girl and climb into your jelly pod. Grandpa wants to talk to you about something… […]