The World Is My Recliner

wall-e-fatWe’ve all seen Wall-E, right?  It’s starting to feel like if the film wasn’t animated it could be a documentary about the near future. The floating fatsos in their all encompassing video chairs. Well, guess what? Like all post-modern phenomenon, it’s already real.

Jaguars-Lounge-slide-40T3-articleLargeThe New York Times recent article about the new Fantasy Lounge at the  Jacksonville Jaguars football stadium had an image  so familiar I initially thought it was for a re-issue of Wall-E. Jaguar fans now pay top dollar to go to the stadium and watch the game, in recliners, on TV’s… because reality isn’t half as good as what you can see from your chair.

It goes way beyond football…. Though I’m not quite floating, it’s getting more and more frightening what I can do from this recliner I’m leaning back in here.

The fundamentals you had to go to a store for a few years ago are gone: books, music, movies. To think that less than a decade ago appearing physically in a specific location was mandatory. Now it’s nostalgic.recordstore

Truth is, I recall those times with dread . So primitive to have to walk somewhere, buy something possessing weight, with physical money, all while interacting with a human being at a register?  Outrageous…

IMG_0459What a drag to maybe bump into a  young woman in the philosophy section of a used book store.  Strike up a conversation about Nietzsche’s over a cup of coffee afterwards… Or maybe, see a director you like perusing the Foreign Films bin, learning he’s about to start a new project, and getting an audition as a result?  What a relief to know none of that crap can infect me from my recliner .

fal08_early_at_the_farmers_marketThere were a few other places populated with human beings where chance interaction might accrue: the post office, the market, college. But fortunately, email and on-line ordering and university video seminars are slowly antiquating all that. I just clicked my way to a weekly delivery of organically grown local produce even though there’s a Farmer’s Market a few blocks down the street. Why bother?

Met2600-1Why leave the house to see theater, or hear classical music, or an opera when there are live simulcasts? At the right volume, and under the right influences, it’s close enough to being there, and you don’t have to deal with those pesky crowds at the concession stand. And

I can do it all from this laptop, for free, and I don’t even have to take my thumb out of my ass. I feel even better about my zero carbon footprint, and so should you.

UnknownI’m also really looking forward to the implementation of Bitcoin. Let’s get rid of physical money all together.  Abolishing the gold standard was easy enough. It also made it immeasurably easier to manipulate rates and value. Can you imagine how much easier that’ll be without the exchange of physical currency? The powers that be can make every cent we’ve save valueless, at will, with the click of a button…. We must protest! And we will!

IMG_0894It’s actually my favorite new reclining activity of all. Yes, my new found, cyber political activism. Now I can express my outrage without ever being in harm’s way. Why gather publicly to protest when I can sign an e-petition? In the last year alone, I’ve fought the construction of a new high rise, supported gay marriage, opposed a congressional farm bill and shown my utter contempt for the powers behind the Trayvon Martin verdict all with the swipe of a track pad.

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Turns out the high rise is going up anyway, and the farm bill passed, and Trayvon’s killer walked… but you can be sure I’ll be continuing to express my anger on Facebook and I’ll blog till my fingers bleed…

That is, in between one-click purchasing a new pair of digital headphones to complete the near airtight cocoon I’m building around this chair I love so fucking much. It even has wheels on it, so I can scoot closer to the light switch which I need to turn off before I fall asleep, blissful reclined.

 

 

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19 Comments




  1. I’m not really sure how to deal with the whole phenomenon of what’s happening to human culture as we know it with all this tech– cause it’s not all bad is it?– but it is clearly more POWERFUL that we’re aware of. It’s so easy to fall prey to what you’re writing about. You say so yourself. What the solution besides pointing out that it’s happening? I think we need to be more aware of what we’re doing physically, literally, in reality and not through an interface…


  2. I can think of more than a few people getting fatter on their couches with laptops sitting across their legs thinking that updating their facebook pages is being interactive…. nice post, kid.


  3. You’re right about Bitcoin. People are already using it and all I can think is how frightening.


  4. i still have a favorite bookstore that’s thriving (St. Marks) and record store that’s the best (Amoeba in San Fran) but it’s pretty clear which direction it’s all going.


  5. I thought Wall-E was spot on. I show it to my students every year. There’s no better way to send the message. Thanks for the post!


  6. It’s sort of the first step to the Matrix, right? I mean, if there’s no physical place to go an buy vegetables, for example, they could be coming from anywhere. You think you’re buying organic stuff, cause that’s what the box says coming to your door. But who’s to say. Extending this to everything else and I get the shivers. We’re living in pods already. Isolated and contained. I hope Keanu is THE ONE!


  7. Of all the things that hurt the most to see replaced by the new wave of never leaving your chair, for me, is the record store. I can’t tell you how many hours of pleasure I spent browsing bins and looking at album covers, and reading the backs to get more info… Doing that on iTunes is a fucking drag. A few still exist, but not many. What happens when the “cloud” fails, and people don’t have physical music anymore is my biggest questions. Physical music will be worth gold.


  8. Smart critique, though I for one am grateful for live simulcasts. I got to watch most of Coachella from my couch and was happy not to be in the 100 degree heat with hipsters on X…. One question for you, though: What do you take your thumb out of your ass for???


  9. It’s happening faster than any of us even know. Some laugh out loud lines in here. Was that girl in the picture really reading Nietzsche?


  10. The online petition thing is what kills me most. Do any of them ever make an impact? I;m skeptical, can you tell? It’s as easy for the people in power to ignore them as it is for us to delete them when they pop into our mailboxes. At least in the old days when we wrote letters the would SEE them. Letter were physical, and you could tell by how much came in whether you had to act or not. Am I dating myself? I can’t help it. I worked for politicians and remember when…


  11. Well I know the idea is to make us all think about the future and how we’re going to be in it, but my main question– if I can be honest– is when are those floaty chairs going to be available at Costco?!?


  12. I guess we’re all in the so called soup. As I sit here, with my computer on my lap, scrolling though your blog, another window open to gmail and FB. I’m not fat yet, but that could be a matter of time. Okay, think I’ll take my dog for a long walk. Appreciate the motivation!


  13. “Wow, you’ve got some really nice toys here!” Ironic, coming from a robot, right?


  14. I have a rather awesome recliner at the moment. I hate leaving it to do anything. In the future, it would be nice it I could sit down and watch a game, plug in, have all my blood changed, my muscles stimulated, the works, and get up a few hours later much much healthier.


  15. And it’s happening faster than anyone could’ve imagined. Soon, we’ll all be alone together, totally interconnected and virtually isolated. Human contact will be illegal. And it won’t matter because we’ll all have full on tactile simulation suits that will make everything feel better from eating to sex, right?


  16. So much to mull over here. Are we going to die fat and soft and basically brain dead? Or can we find some good in all this techno chaos. I for one always look for a silver lining and there are some to be praised. Would be nice to be alive 200 years from now to see how close all this futurama is.


  17. So long as that recliner is real comfy, I don’t see what all the hubbub is about. I for one am looking forward to experiencing the apocalypse in the comfort of my own home.

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