(A monologue heard recently on a New York City A train)
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to interrupt your evening. I don’t mean to be a burden, but I’m in the unfortunate position of having to ask for your help.
I’m currently unemployed and the trust fund my father set up for me is only paying out around $65,000 a year. It’s not even close to enough when you’re trying to make your way on the pricey streets of New York.
Tonight I’m taking a successful model to a number of high end venues in hopes she’ll be impressed enough to sleep with me. I have reservations at an establishment in Tribeca which is extremely hard to get into, and martini’s run as much as $20 a piece. I’m at my most charming after two drinks, hopefully I can get two into her as well, so that’s $80 bucks we’re getting whacked for, and that’s before we even look at a menu.
Dinner itself could run me another $350, and that’s without wine. I’ve been into a spectacular Syrah from Pasa Robles as it pairs well with both fish and meat, and it runs $130 a bottle. I don’t mark it up, the restaurant does. Anything at all would be appreciated.
I won’t take up too much more of your time, I know you have concerns of your own to attend to, but please consider just one more thing. This is just one night for me. I face issues like this one, every single day.
I have acquaintances in the film industry coming into town over the weekend and have to entertain them as well. I’m not sure how up to date you all are with the price of hockey tickets, but I’ll tell you right now that you ain’t gettin’ near Madison Square Garden for less than a hundred a pop. I take four guys out for dinner and a hockey game so they’ll move my screenplay to the top of the pile, and that’s a $1000, ladies and gentlemen. I’m not kidding, or I wouldn’t be in front of you in this condition today.
So please, please look into your hearts and give what you can. I have a Paypal account, also JP Morgan Chase does direct transfers, or maybe you can help in other ways. Perhaps you have a relative or close friend who’s a chef at a place like Per Se or Le Bernadin and can comp me and a date for dinner, or at least buy us a few desserts. It would be appreciated more than you know.
I apologize for having to stand here and make my problems public, but I have little choice. The holidays should be a joyful time for everyone. 2011 should start off on the right foot for everyone. Life should be better, for everyone. And with your generosity, it can be, for at least for one person more, meaning me.
So reach down as deeply as you can, preferably into your wallets and pocket books, and please, please give…
Nice! But I would like to see you perform this.