It takes all the self-restraint one can muster at the airport, when asked with a straight face at check-in “if you are carrying any hazardous materials or if anyone has asked you to carry hazardous materials onto the plane for them?” It still happens, I discovered first hand after another in a series of conspiratorial hard-drive crashes prohibited me from checking-in online last week.

Has that question ever, in its decades history of being asked, elicited the response, “Hey, wait a second… Yes, as a matter of fact.  A strange man in a turban just approached me and asked if I’d carry a small clock on my trip for him.  He seemed very nice, and he told me that his wife would meet me when I land to pick up the enclosed, anonymously labeled box that’s ticking as we speak.”  I’m just curious…

Really curious. So much so, that I began to imagine a remote terrorist training camp where this precise type of social exchange is being simulated in hopes of successfully bringing down a plane. I envision a lanky, evil Imam in a long black beard, yellow teeth and a daunting uni-brow, pacing in front of a military surplus chalkboard with a wooden pointer doubling as a WHACK stick for unruly students.

“Pay attention, Muhammed! Where were we? Yes, whenever possible, take public transportation to the flight you are blowing up. Metro cards have increased, it’s true,  blame Bloomberg, but it still beats a $65 dollar cab ride. Especially since many drivers are Paki’s and may try to take you out themselves before getting you to your terminal. So, it’s the E train to Jamaica, and the Air Tram to JFK. If you must take a cab, don’t let them charge you twice for tolls.  And always get a receipt!

“For international travel, arrive at least two hours early.  Security lines are getting longer in Satan’s homeland, especially since many of the TSA agents they have hired to check our forged licences cannot read. Now I am going to say this next part once, so help me Allah– wear nice socks. There is nothing that reflects worse on a terrorist organization than taking off your shoes in front of travellers you don’t know and seeing unkempt toenails. What kind of impression does that leave?”

“Once you’re through, you must find someone to carry the bomb you’ve made onto the plane for you! It may be difficult at first, but remember, in America, there are millions of people willing do stupid shit!  We watched three seasons of Jackass for a reason! Mohammed, no laughing!”   WHACK!

“Recently attained research from Wiki-Leaks shows that over-weight couples wearing matching sweat-suits are your best demographic. There’s a good chance they’re visiting from Minnesota, and the reason they call it The Heartland is because the brain is nowhere near there!  Open with a joke. Endorse Tea Party politics. Complain about outsourcing to India. Insist the president is Muslim! Which, we know, he is.

“Once they’re seduced, ask for their help by appealing to their sympathy. Americans love to think they’re helping, even when they’re destroying things. Tell them your puppy has worms and you must return home to care for it. Where we like to shoot dogs for fun here, in America, they dedicate their lives to them!  They take their dogs to therapists, and get them mani-pedi’s!  This is what happens when a nation gets intoxicated from Disney movies.

“Finally, inflate the value of the product you are asking them to carry. If you say it’s a small clock, be specific!  Made in Switzerland and worth $6,000.  Americans are filthy prostitutes for money.  It has also been proven that adding .99 to the end of a price serves as incentive.  Offer them $99.99 for their help, even though you can’t afford to pay for your puppy’s radiation treatment.  Insist they take the money! And keep your voice down when asking, so that if they say no, you do not miss out on the opportunity to ask the next Christ loving consumer whore.  There are millions of them.

“Okay, next week, how to pick up a super model, make her feel insecure and ugly, and get her to explode herself in mid-air.  Allah Akbar.”