Rahm Taps Brother Ari For Obama Audition
Beverly Hills, March 14th – White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel has called in a favor with little brother Ari Emmanuel, founder of the Endeavor talent agency, in hopes […]
2009
Michelangelo Was A Hack
It is easy to forget when looking celestially at the dizzying brilliance of the Sistine Chapel’s intricate ceiling that Michelangelo was, at one time, a complete and total hack. At […]
Control, Alt, Repeat
“How do you remember all those words?” It’s a common question civilians often ask of actors. And the basic answer, save horse-sized pills of Ginkgo biloba, is brutal repetition. […]
You Asked For It
Whenever you produce a play, you can be sure there’ll be a confluence of conspiracies awaiting you prior to opening that will insure the maximum amount of stress and anxiety […]
Unlimited Austin – Part 1, Everything’s Bigger In Texas
It was amidst the torpid deluge of sweat from the predominantly under 25 crowd at The Coachella Music Festival where I realized, with unsullied clarity, just how much better the […]
Unlimited Austin – Part 2 Dionysus in Cowboy Boots
I’ve often heard it said that a band “hits the stage”. For those who weren’t ever sure why, see Gogol Bordello, an interracial myriad of gypsy troubadours who hit the […]
Plenty More Fish In the Sea…
Of all the multitudinous living organisms in the phylum cordata, none are quite so fucked as fish. Scientifically, the entire species is toast for several reasons. The sad thing is, […]
I Me Mine
(Originally published in Elmore Magazine) It was somewhere between the birth of Napster and credit default swaps– when the rest of our understanding of how markets work went out the […]
Putting Things Into Perspectivism
We wander into town to buy a pair of cleats for the start of spring intramural soccer season. The year is 1990, and world cup fever is brewing for the […]
Re-gentrified
As modern as it may feel, the current all–too-trendy invective against the gentrification of certain New York neighborhoods is almost as old as the city itself. E.B. White complained about […]
The Whole Wide World
It was far too many bits for any one brain to process. It was the entire information age exploded inward, swirling like some three dimensional Rorschach lava lamp broken open […]
My Creative Genius
People often ask me, “How do you do it? How do you continually create such timelessly inspiring oeuvres of sesquapedalianism?” I laugh, sometimes to myself, because in truth, there’s really no […]
Roller F**king: A Beating For George Carlin
According to the astrological sciences, Aquarians are preternaturally disposed to loyalty. Even when they’re ten years old and a parental interrogation heats up to the point of unethical tactics. “Answer […]
Before the Corridor
It was January 2000 and America breathed a collective sigh of what-ever at the undevastating non-effects of theY2K bug. For months prior, the algorithm had been fear-mongered onto every front […]