We Are All Of Us In The Gutter, But Some Of Us Are Looking At The… Exoplanets

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Like so many who find themselves sickened by the epic stupidity of American election politics, I often hear the refrain:

“That’s it. I’m moving to Canada.”

Just the possibility of a shit President is enough to make you speed toward Niagara Falls, passport in one hand, middle finger flashing in the rearview. But then—you’d really be in Canada.

Now, I love hockey, socialized medicine, and the idea of a Tragically Hip reunion as much as the next disillusioned voter, but that’s still not enough to get me to settle in Saskatchewan, where games are played on frozen ponds ten feet thick at 20 below.

So where does an unhappy American escape to?

Every country on Earth comes with drawbacks. Timbuktu? Killer music scene. Higher-than-average odds of tribal decapitation. New Zealand? Gorgeous, but probably sick of our shit.

Realistically, the only viable option left is outside our solar system entirely.

A Universe of Options (Literally)

Our galaxy spans 100,000 light-years, brimming with billions of stars. And here’s the fun part: we now know that most of them have planets.

For centuries, the blinding light of these stars made their planets invisible to us. But now, we’ve found over 3,000 exoplanets orbiting alien suns, and it’s just the tip of the galactic iceberg.

The Kepler Space Telescope, launched by NASA in 2009, is an exoplanet-finding badass, succeeding like the older kid at an Easter egg hunt. And while none of its discoveries seem habitable yet, it’s only a matter of time.

How Do We Find These Planets?

At first, scientists noticed that some stars were wobbling—a sign that an unseen gravitational mass was tugging at them, just as Earth tugs at our Sun.

Then they spotted something else: tiny black dots crossing in front of these stars, dimming their light ever so slightly. Those dots? Planets.

Confirming an exoplanet takes years—because we need to observe three full orbits. If a planet takes a decade to circle its star, that’s 30 years of waiting just to confirm its existence. (Astronomy: for those who enjoy painfully delayed gratification.)

So, Where Can We Actually Move?

Astronomers estimate there are more stars than grains of sand on Earth. Let’s ballpark it at 100 billion stars. If just 1% of their planets sit in the Goldilocks Zone—not too hot, not too cold—that’s 50 million potentially habitable worlds.

Even if only 0.01% of those actually support life, that’s 500,000 Earth-like planets out there.

And hopefully, at least one of them has a better healthcare system.

The brass ring in planet-hunting isn’t just the right distance from a star, but also the right size and atmospheric mix. Too big? It’s a gas giant like Jupiter. Too small? The atmosphere burns away, leaving a barren rock like Mercury.

The more we learn about how perfectly Earth is placed, the more it feels like a mind-numbing miracle.

But if we’re picking favorites, there’s one exoplanet that stands out:

Meet GJ 667Cc

This curious candidate sits 22 light-years away in the constellation Scorpius. It’s about five times as massive as Earth and orbits its star in 28 days.

That would make for a very short presidency, even if it were two terms.

We’re not entirely sure if it’s habitable, but given the alternative (staying here), I’m willing to take my chances.

The Catch?

Most of Kepler’s discoveries are thousands of light-years away, which means we won’t be opening a fro-yo chain on any of them anytime soon. Then again, you can say the same for parts of Canada.

Optimistically, we’re 150 years away from even sending a probe to scan them up close. But hey—a century and a half isn’t bad when your other option is sticking around for another election cycle.

Final Thought

Before the 1980s, searching for alien planets was laughed at—considered the lunatic fringe of science.

Now? It’s all the rage.

And why wouldn’t it be?

At this point, leaving Earth isn’t just a matter of scientific curiosity.

It might be our only hope of escaping the dipshits we keep electing into office.